
PET RULES
>
> To be posted VERY LOW on the refrigerator door - nose height.
> Dear Dogs and Cats,
>
>
> The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The
>other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print
>in the middle of my plate of food does not stake a claim for it, becoming
>your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the
>slightest.
>
>
> The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack.
>Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help
>because I fall faster than you can run.
>
>
> I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry
>about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure
>your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep.
>It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to
>the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out
>and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing
>but sarcasm.
>
>
> For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If
>by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not
>necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under
>the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I
>entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years -- canine or feline
>attendance is not required.
> The proper order is this: first kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's
>butt. I cannot stress this enough!
>
>
> To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on
>our front door:
>
>
> To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like to Complain About Our Pets:
>
> 1. They live here. You don't.
> 2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the
>furniture. (That's why they call it 'fur'niture.)
> 3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
> 4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter
>who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.
>
> Remember: In many ways, dogs and cats are better than kids because
>they:
> 1. Eat less
> 2. Don't ask for money all the time
> 3 Are easier to train
> 4. Normally come when called
> 5. Never ask to drive the car
> 6. Don't hang out with drug-using friends
> 7. Don't smoke or drink
> 8. Don't have to buy the latest fashions
> 9. Don't want to wear your clothes
> 10. Don't need a 'gazillion' dollars for college.
>
> And finally,
> 11. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children.