HUMOR n JOKESThe liberal news media is always spinning stories to their liking.....
A biker is riding by the zoo, when he sees a little
>
> girl leaning into the lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion
>
> grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull
>
> her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her
>
> screaming parents. The biker jumps off his bike, runs
>
> to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with
>
> a powerful punch. Whimpering from the pain the lion
>
> jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker
>
> brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him
>
> endlessly.
>
>
> A reporter has seen the whole scene, and addressing
>
> the biker, says:
>
>
> - Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I saw
>
> a man do in my whole life.
>
> - Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind
>
> bars. I just saw this little kid in danger, and acted
>
> as I felt right.
>
> - Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a
>
> journalist, you know, and tomorrow's papers will have
>
> this on the first page. What motorcycle do you ride?
>
> - A Harley Davidson.
>
>
> The journalist leaves.
>
>
> The following morning the biker buys the paper to see
>
> if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads, on
>
> first page:
>
>
>
> "BIKER GANG MEMBER ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH."
>
> girl leaning into the lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion
>
> grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull
>
> her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her
>
> screaming parents. The biker jumps off his bike, runs
>
> to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with
>
> a powerful punch. Whimpering from the pain the lion
>
> jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker
>
> brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him
>
> endlessly.
>
>
> A reporter has seen the whole scene, and addressing
>
> the biker, says:
>
>
> - Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I saw
>
> a man do in my whole life.
>
> - Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind
>
> bars. I just saw this little kid in danger, and acted
>
> as I felt right.
>
> - Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a
>
> journalist, you know, and tomorrow's papers will have
>
> this on the first page. What motorcycle do you ride?
>
> - A Harley Davidson.
>
>
> The journalist leaves.
>
>
> The following morning the biker buys the paper to see
>
> if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads, on
>
> first page:
>
>
>
> "BIKER GANG MEMBER ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH."
A ten year-old boy was walking down the street when a big man on a black motorcycle, pulls up beside him and asks, "Hey kid, wanna go for a ride?"
"No!", said the boy, and he kept on walking. The motorcyclist pulls up to him again and says, "Hey kid,, I'll give you $10 if you hop on the back"
"NO!" said the boy and proceeded down the street a little quicker.
The motorcyclist pulls up to the boy again and says, "Ok kid, I'll give you $20 and a BIG bag of candy if you hop on the back for a ride."
At this point the boy turns around to him and screams angrily, "Look Dad, YOU bought the Honda, so YOU ride it!!
Walter Davidson dies and goes to heaven. At the Gates, St. Peter greets Davidson, and tells him, "Well, you've been such a good guy, and your invention-the Harley Davidson changed the world. "As a reward, you can hang out with anyone in Heaven you want."Davidson thinks about it, and says, "I want to hang out with God Himself."
So, the befuddled St. Peter takes Davidson to the Throne Room, and introduces him to God. Davidson then asks God, "When you invented Woman, what were you thinking?" God asks, "What do you mean?" "Well," says Davidson, "You have some major design flaws in your invention:
1. There's too much front end protrusion.
2. It chatters way too much at high speeds.
3. Maintenance is extremely high.
4. It constantly needs repainting, and refinishing.
5. It is out of commission at least 5 or 6 of every 28 days.
6. The rear end wobbles too much.
7. The intake is placed too close to the exhaust.
8. The headlights are usually too small.
9. Fuel consumption is outrageous.
... Just to name a few."
"Hmmm...," replies God, "hold on a minute." God goes over to the Celestial Supercomputer, types in a few keystrokes, and waits for the results. In no time the computer prints out a report, and God reads it. God then turns to Davidson, and says, "It may be that my invention is flawed, but according to these statistics, more men are riding my invention than yours.
So, the befuddled St. Peter takes Davidson to the Throne Room, and introduces him to God. Davidson then asks God, "When you invented Woman, what were you thinking?" God asks, "What do you mean?" "Well," says Davidson, "You have some major design flaws in your invention:
1. There's too much front end protrusion.
2. It chatters way too much at high speeds.
3. Maintenance is extremely high.
4. It constantly needs repainting, and refinishing.
5. It is out of commission at least 5 or 6 of every 28 days.
6. The rear end wobbles too much.
7. The intake is placed too close to the exhaust.
8. The headlights are usually too small.
9. Fuel consumption is outrageous.
... Just to name a few."
"Hmmm...," replies God, "hold on a minute." God goes over to the Celestial Supercomputer, types in a few keystrokes, and waits for the results. In no time the computer prints out a report, and God reads it. God then turns to Davidson, and says, "It may be that my invention is flawed, but according to these statistics, more men are riding my invention than yours.
A bro walks into the front door of a bar. He is obviously drunk, and staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool and, with a belch, asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender politely informs the man that it appears that he has already had plenty to drink, he could not be served additional liquor at this bar, and could a cab be called for him? The bro is briefly surprised, then softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs down off the bar stool and staggers out the front door. A few minutes later, the same biker stumbles in the SIDE door of the bar. He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink. The bartender comes over and, still politely - but more firmly, refuses service to the man due to his inebriation, and again offers to call a cab. The bro looks at the bartender for a moment angrily, curses, and shows himself out the side door, all the while grumbling and shaking his head. A few minutes later, he bursts in through the BACK door of the bar. He plops himself up on a bar stool, gathers his wits and belligerently orders a drink. The bartender comes over and emphatically reminds the man that he is clearly drunk, will be served no drinks, and either a cab or the police will be called immediately. The surprised bro looks at the bartender, and in hopeless anguish, cries "MAAAN! How many fuckin' bars do you work at?
Two bros and their ol ladies were playing cards. Spider dropped one of his cards on floor. When he bent down under the table to pick it up, he noticed that Roach's ol lady wasn't wearing any underwear! Later, Spider went to the kitchen to get another beer. Roach's babe followed him and asked, "Did you see anything that you liked under there?" "Hell Yeah!" Spider admitted. She said "You can have it, but it will cost you $100." After a minute or two, Spider says that he can scrape up the dough. She tells him that since Roach works Saturdays and Spider doesn't, he should come to the house around 2 on Saturday. Saturday came and Spider went to her house at 2. After paying her the $100 they went to the bedroom, fucked for an hour or so and Spider left. Roach came home about 6 and asked his wife, "Did Spider come by this afternoon?" Reluctantly, she replied, "Yes, he did stop by for a few minutes," Next Roach asked, "Did Spider give you $100?" She thinks 'Oh hell, he knows!' Finally she says, "Yes, he did give me $100." "Good," Roach says. "He borrowed $100 from me at the bar last night and said he would stop by the house today and pay me back.
A biker catches a traveling salesman in bed with his ol lady. The bro knocks the salesman out cold and drags him into the barn. When the salesman comes to, he finds his most prized possession clamped in a vise and the vise handle gone. He looks around and sees the biker coming towards him with a large sharp knife. "Oh no", cries the salesman, "you're not gonna cut it off are ya?" "Nah" says the bro slowly, "You can go ahead and do it yourself. I'm just gonna set the barn on fire!"
A bro was sitting in the shade, sipping a cool one and watching his ol' lady mow the lawn. His new neighbor came over and said, "You bastard, making your wife cut the grass while all you do is watch! You oughta be hung!" "I am," replied the bro. "That's why she's cutting the grass."
The biker came home and found his best bro and his ol' lady in bed. "You bastard!" stormed the biker, grabbing his shotgun. "I'm gonna blow your balls off!" "Shit, man, give me a sportin' chance," pleaded his ex-bro. "All right," replied the biker, "swing 'em!"
A redneck was stopped by a game warden recently with
two ice chests full of fish. He was leaving a cove
that's well-known for its fishing. The game warden
asked the man: 'Do you have a license to catch those
fish?'
'No, sir,' replied the redneck. 'I ain't got none
of them there licenses, these here are my pet fish.'
'Pet fish?'
'Yeah, every night, I take these here fish down to
the lake and let 'em swim 'round for awhile. Then,
when I whistle, they jump right back into these here
ice chests and I take 'em back home.'
'That's a bunch of crap! Fish can't do that.'
The redneck looked at the warden for a moment and
then said, 'It's the truth, Mr. Government Man,
I'll show ya It really works.'
'OK,' said the warden. 'I've got to see this!'
The redneck poured the fish into the lake and stood
and waited. After several minutes, the warden says,
'Well?'
Well, what?,' says the redneck.
The warden says, 'When are you going to call them back?'
'Call who back?'
The FISH,' replied the warden.
'What fish?' replied the redneck.
Moral of the story: Rednecks may not be as smart as
most city slickers, but they're not as dumb as some
government employees
two ice chests full of fish. He was leaving a cove
that's well-known for its fishing. The game warden
asked the man: 'Do you have a license to catch those
fish?'
'No, sir,' replied the redneck. 'I ain't got none
of them there licenses, these here are my pet fish.'
'Pet fish?'
'Yeah, every night, I take these here fish down to
the lake and let 'em swim 'round for awhile. Then,
when I whistle, they jump right back into these here
ice chests and I take 'em back home.'
'That's a bunch of crap! Fish can't do that.'
The redneck looked at the warden for a moment and
then said, 'It's the truth, Mr. Government Man,
I'll show ya It really works.'
'OK,' said the warden. 'I've got to see this!'
The redneck poured the fish into the lake and stood
and waited. After several minutes, the warden says,
'Well?'
Well, what?,' says the redneck.
The warden says, 'When are you going to call them back?'
'Call who back?'
The FISH,' replied the warden.
'What fish?' replied the redneck.
Moral of the story: Rednecks may not be as smart as
most city slickers, but they're not as dumb as some
government employees
> Subject: FW: Lets offend everyone
>
>
> Q. What's the Cuban National Anthem?
> A. Row, Row, Row Your Boat
>
> Q. Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
> A. A different bar
>
> Q. What did the Chinese couple name their
> retarded baby?
> A. Sum Ting Wong
>
> Q. What do you call it when an Italian has one
> arm shorter than the other?
> A. A speech impediment
>
> Q. What does it mean when the Post Office's
> flag is flying at half-mast?
> A. They're hiring
>
> Q. Why aren't there any Puerto Ricans on Star
> Trek?
> A. Because they're not going to work in the
> future either.
>
> Q. What do you call a Mississippi farmer with a
> sheep under each arm?
> A. A pimp.
>
> Q. Why do Driver Education classes in redneck
> schools use the car only
> on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
> A. Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex
> Education class uses it.
>
> Q. What's the difference between a Southern
> Zoo and a Northern Zoo?
> A. The Southern Zoo has a description of the
> animal on the front of the
> cage - along with a recipe.
>
> Q How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old
> lady to say the 'F' word?
> A. Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady
> to yell 'BINGO!'
>
> Q. What's the difference between a Northern
> fairytale and a Southern fairytale???
> A. A Northern fairytale begins, 'Once upon a
> time...'
> A Southern fairytale begins, 'Y'all ain't gonna
> believe this shit.'!
>
> Q. Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team?
> A. Because all the Mexicans who can run, jump
> or swim are already in the United States!
Bass Pro Shop
A woman goes into Bass Pro Shop to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.
A Bass Pro Shop associate is standing there wearing dark shades. She says, 'Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?'
He says, 'Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything from the sound it makes.' She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.
He says, 'That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-LB. Test line. It's a good all around combination; and it's on sale this week for only $20.00.'
She says, 'It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!' As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.
'Oh, that sounds like a Master Card,' he says.
She bends down to pick it up and accidentally breaks wind. At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was she who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.
The man rings up the sale and says, 'That'll be $34.50 please.'
The woman is totally confused by this and asks, 'Didn't you tell me the rod and reel were on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?'
He replies, ' Yes, Ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is $11.00 and the Catfish Bait is $3.50.'
A woman goes into Bass Pro Shop to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.
A Bass Pro Shop associate is standing there wearing dark shades. She says, 'Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?'
He says, 'Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything from the sound it makes.' She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.
He says, 'That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-LB. Test line. It's a good all around combination; and it's on sale this week for only $20.00.'
She says, 'It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!' As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.
'Oh, that sounds like a Master Card,' he says.
She bends down to pick it up and accidentally breaks wind. At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was she who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.
The man rings up the sale and says, 'That'll be $34.50 please.'
The woman is totally confused by this and asks, 'Didn't you tell me the rod and reel were on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?'
He replies, ' Yes, Ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is $11.00 and the Catfish Bait is $3.50.'
Priceless - Knowing what to say at the right time
----------
Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending
his company's Christmas
Party. He didn't even remember how he got home from
the party. As bad as he
was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.
Jack had to force
himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he saw
is a couple of aspirins
next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next
to them, a single red
rose! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of
him, all clean and
pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is
in perfect order,
spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He
takes the aspirins,
cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at
him in the bathroom
mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner
of the mirror written
in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from
his wife in lipstick:
"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to
get groceries to make you
your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling!
Love, Jillian. "He
stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot
breakfast, steaming
hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son is also
at the table, eating.
Jack asks,"Son... what happened last night?"
"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of
your mind. You fell over
the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in
the hallway, and got
that black eye when you ran into the door."Confused,
he asked his son, "So,
why is everything in such perfect order and so clean?
I have a rose, and
breakfast is on the table waiting for me??
"His son replies, "Oh THAT!... Mom dragged you to the
bedroom, and when she
tried to take your pants off, you screamed,"Leave me
alone bitch, I'm
married!!"
Broken Coffee Table $239.99
Hot Breakfast $4.20
Two Aspirins $.38
Saying the right thing, at the right time......PRICELESS
----------
Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending
his company's Christmas
Party. He didn't even remember how he got home from
the party. As bad as he
was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.
Jack had to force
himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he saw
is a couple of aspirins
next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next
to them, a single red
rose! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of
him, all clean and
pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is
in perfect order,
spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He
takes the aspirins,
cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at
him in the bathroom
mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner
of the mirror written
in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from
his wife in lipstick:
"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to
get groceries to make you
your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling!
Love, Jillian. "He
stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot
breakfast, steaming
hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son is also
at the table, eating.
Jack asks,"Son... what happened last night?"
"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of
your mind. You fell over
the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in
the hallway, and got
that black eye when you ran into the door."Confused,
he asked his son, "So,
why is everything in such perfect order and so clean?
I have a rose, and
breakfast is on the table waiting for me??
"His son replies, "Oh THAT!... Mom dragged you to the
bedroom, and when she
tried to take your pants off, you screamed,"Leave me
alone bitch, I'm
married!!"
Broken Coffee Table $239.99
Hot Breakfast $4.20
Two Aspirins $.38
Saying the right thing, at the right time......PRICELESS
Dusty Underwear.
One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife "Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in Slim Fast. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!!" His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded. The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. "What the Hell is this??" he said to himself as a little "dust" cloud appeared when he shook them out. " April ," he hollered into the bathroom, "Why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?" She replied with a snicker:.... "It's not talcum powder......It's 'Miracle Grow'
FOUR LITTLE ANIMALS
You've got to love this little girl.....What a fine woman/wife she'll make one of these days!
A teacher asked her class, "What do you want out of life?"
A little girl in the back row raised her hand and said, "All I want out of life is four little animals."
The teacher asked, "Really, and what four little animals would that be, sweetheart?"
The little girl said, "A Mink on my back, a Jaguar in the garage, a Tiger in my bed and of course, I'll need a Jackass to pay for all of it."
The teacher fainted.
You've got to love this little girl.....What a fine woman/wife she'll make one of these days!
A teacher asked her class, "What do you want out of life?"
A little girl in the back row raised her hand and said, "All I want out of life is four little animals."
The teacher asked, "Really, and what four little animals would that be, sweetheart?"
The little girl said, "A Mink on my back, a Jaguar in the garage, a Tiger in my bed and of course, I'll need a Jackass to pay for all of it."
The teacher fainted.
Marriage (Part I)
Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady, and
After the wedding, he laid down the following rules:
"I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time
I want -- and I don't expect any hassle from you.
I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless
I tell you that I won't be home for dinner.
I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing
When I want with my old buddies, and don't you
Give me a hard time about it.
Those are my rules. Any comments?"
His new bride said:
"No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex
Here at seven o'clock every night...whether you're here or not."
(DARN SHE'S GOOD!)
************************************************
Marriage (Part II)
Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary!
The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone
That reads, 'Here Lies My Wife -- Cold As Ever'!"
"Yeah?" she replies. "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone
That reads, 'Here Lies My Husband -- Stiff At Last'!"
(HE ASKED FOR IT!)
*****************************************
Marriage (Part III)
Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at t he breakfast table.
Husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no
Good in bed either," and storms out of the house.
After some time he realizes he was nasty and
Decides to make amends and rings her up.
She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband
Says, "What took you so long to answer to the phone?"
She says, "I was in bed."
"In bed this early, doing what?"
"Getting a second opinion!"
(YEP, HE HAD THAT COMING, TOO!)
*****************************************
Marriage (Part IV)
A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement.
He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his
Wife," Mother of Six" in spite of her objections.
One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it IS time to go home
And wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts
At the top of his voice, "Shall we go home Mother of Six?"
His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion,
Shouts right back, "Any time you're ready, Father of Four."
(RIGHT ON, LADY!)
*****************************************
THE SILENT TREATMENT
A man and his wife were having some problems at home
And were giving each other the silent treatment.
Suddenly the man realized that the next day he would need his wife
To wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece
Of paper,"Please wake me at 5:00 AM ." He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it
Was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight.
Furious, he was about to go to see why his wife hadn't wakened him when he
Noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM . Wake up."
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.
Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady, and
After the wedding, he laid down the following rules:
"I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time
I want -- and I don't expect any hassle from you.
I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless
I tell you that I won't be home for dinner.
I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing
When I want with my old buddies, and don't you
Give me a hard time about it.
Those are my rules. Any comments?"
His new bride said:
"No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex
Here at seven o'clock every night...whether you're here or not."
(DARN SHE'S GOOD!)
************************************************
Marriage (Part II)
Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary!
The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone
That reads, 'Here Lies My Wife -- Cold As Ever'!"
"Yeah?" she replies. "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone
That reads, 'Here Lies My Husband -- Stiff At Last'!"
(HE ASKED FOR IT!)
*****************************************
Marriage (Part III)
Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at t he breakfast table.
Husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no
Good in bed either," and storms out of the house.
After some time he realizes he was nasty and
Decides to make amends and rings her up.
She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband
Says, "What took you so long to answer to the phone?"
She says, "I was in bed."
"In bed this early, doing what?"
"Getting a second opinion!"
(YEP, HE HAD THAT COMING, TOO!)
*****************************************
Marriage (Part IV)
A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement.
He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his
Wife," Mother of Six" in spite of her objections.
One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it IS time to go home
And wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts
At the top of his voice, "Shall we go home Mother of Six?"
His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion,
Shouts right back, "Any time you're ready, Father of Four."
(RIGHT ON, LADY!)
*****************************************
THE SILENT TREATMENT
A man and his wife were having some problems at home
And were giving each other the silent treatment.
Suddenly the man realized that the next day he would need his wife
To wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece
Of paper,"Please wake me at 5:00 AM ." He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it
Was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight.
Furious, he was about to go to see why his wife hadn't wakened him when he
Noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM . Wake up."
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.
***** MASTERCARD WEDDING*****
You got to love this guy. This is a true story about a recent wedding that
took place at Clemson University. It was in the local newspaper and even
Jay Leno mentioned it. It was a huge wedding with about 300 guests.
After the wedding, at the reception, the groom got up on stage with a
microphone to talk to the crowd. He said he wanted to thank everyone for
coming, many from long distances, to support them at their wedding.
He especially wanted to thank the bride's and his family and to thank his
new father-in-law for providing such a lavish reception. As a token of his
deep appreciation he said he wanted to give everyone a special gift just
from him.
So taped to the bottom of everyone's chair, including the wedding party
was an envelope. He said this was his gift to everyone, and asked them to
open their envelope.
Inside each manila envelope was an 8x1 0 glossy of his bride having sex
with the best man. The groom had gotten suspicious of them weeks earlier and had
hired a private detective to tail them.
After just standing there, just watching the guests' reactions for a couple
of minutes, he turned to the best man and said, "F--- you!"
Then he turned to his bride and said, "F--- you!" Then he turned to the
dumbfounded crowd and said, "I'm outta here."
He had the marriage annulled first thing in the morning. While most people
would have canceled the wedding immediately after finding out about the
affair, this guy goes through with the charade, as if nothing were
wrong.
His revenge--making the bride's parents pay over $32,000 for a 300
guest wedding and reception, and best of all, trashing the bride's and best
man's reputations in front of 300 friends and family members. This guy has
balls the size of church bells.
Do you think we might get a Master Card "priceless" commercial out of
this?
Elegant wedding reception for 300 family members and friends: $32,000.
Wedding photographs commemorating the Occasion: $3,000 Deluxe two week
honeymoon accommodations in Maui: $8,500.
The look on everyone's face when they see the 8x10 glossy of the bride
humping the best man: Priceless There are some things money can't buy,
for everything else there's MASTERCARD!
"Life isn't like a bowl of cherries or peaches; it's more like a jar of
Jalapenos--what you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow...
You got to love this guy. This is a true story about a recent wedding that
took place at Clemson University. It was in the local newspaper and even
Jay Leno mentioned it. It was a huge wedding with about 300 guests.
After the wedding, at the reception, the groom got up on stage with a
microphone to talk to the crowd. He said he wanted to thank everyone for
coming, many from long distances, to support them at their wedding.
He especially wanted to thank the bride's and his family and to thank his
new father-in-law for providing such a lavish reception. As a token of his
deep appreciation he said he wanted to give everyone a special gift just
from him.
So taped to the bottom of everyone's chair, including the wedding party
was an envelope. He said this was his gift to everyone, and asked them to
open their envelope.
Inside each manila envelope was an 8x1 0 glossy of his bride having sex
with the best man. The groom had gotten suspicious of them weeks earlier and had
hired a private detective to tail them.
After just standing there, just watching the guests' reactions for a couple
of minutes, he turned to the best man and said, "F--- you!"
Then he turned to his bride and said, "F--- you!" Then he turned to the
dumbfounded crowd and said, "I'm outta here."
He had the marriage annulled first thing in the morning. While most people
would have canceled the wedding immediately after finding out about the
affair, this guy goes through with the charade, as if nothing were
wrong.
His revenge--making the bride's parents pay over $32,000 for a 300
guest wedding and reception, and best of all, trashing the bride's and best
man's reputations in front of 300 friends and family members. This guy has
balls the size of church bells.
Do you think we might get a Master Card "priceless" commercial out of
this?
Elegant wedding reception for 300 family members and friends: $32,000.
Wedding photographs commemorating the Occasion: $3,000 Deluxe two week
honeymoon accommodations in Maui: $8,500.
The look on everyone's face when they see the 8x10 glossy of the bride
humping the best man: Priceless There are some things money can't buy,
for everything else there's MASTERCARD!
"Life isn't like a bowl of cherries or peaches; it's more like a jar of
Jalapenos--what you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow...
Apples and Wine
Women are like apples on trees. The best ones are at the top of the
tree. Most men don't want to reach for the good ones because they are
afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they sometimes take the
apples from the ground that aren't as good, but easy. The apples at
the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality, they're
amazing. They just have to wait for the right person to come along, the one who
is brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree.
Now Men are like a fine wine. They begin as grapes, and it's up to
women to stomp the sh!t out of them until they turn into something
acceptable enough to have dinner with.
Share this with all the good apples you know and some of the wine you know too.
An elderly couple was sitting around one evening and the man says To his
wife, "Marsha, we are about to celebrate our 60th wedding Anniversary.
We've had a wonderful life together, full of contentment And blessings. But there's something I've always wondered about. Tell Me the truth. Have you ever been unfaithful to me?"She hesitated a moment, then said, "Yes, Sidney, THREE times.""Three times? How could that happen?" Sidney asks.Marsha replied, "Well, do you remember right after we were married and we
were so broke that the bank was about to foreclose on our little house?""Yes, dear, those were really difficult times," replied Sidney."And remember when I went to see the banker one night, and the next day the
bank extended our loan?""Gosh, that's really hard to take," said Sidney. "But since things were so
bad at the time, I guess I can forgive you. What was the second time?""Well," Marsha continued, "do you remember years later when you almost
died of that heart problem because we couldn't afford an operation?""Yes, of course," said Sidney."Then you will remember that right after I went to see the doctor, he performed the operation at no cost?""Yes, I remember," said Sidney, "and as much as that shocks me, I do understand that you did what you did out of love for me, and I forgive you.So, what was the third time?"Marsha lowered her head and said, "Do you remember when you ran for
President of your golf club and you needed 62 more votes?"
A 3-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath. "Mom", he asked, "Are these my brains?"
"Not yet," she replied.
"Not yet," she replied.
HUSBAND'S LETTER
A husband wrote the following letter for his wife and left it on the
dining
room table:
"To My Dear Wife,
You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 64
years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you, and I value
you
as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter I hope you will not
wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my
18-year-old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel.
Please don't be upset - I shall be back home before midnight ."
------------------------
When the man came home late that night he found the following letter on
the
dining room table:
"To My Dear Husband,
I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 64
years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you
are
also 64 years old. As you know, I am a math teacher at our local
college.
I would like to inform you that while you're at theComfort Inn, I will
be
at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also the
assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile, and like your secretary, he
is
18 years old.
As a successful businessman with an excellent knowledge of math, you
will
understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small
difference; 18 goes into 64 a lot more times than 64 goes into 18.
Therefore I will not be home until sometime tomorrow."
e this!!!!
A husband wrote the following letter for his wife and left it on the
dining
room table:
"To My Dear Wife,
You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 64
years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you, and I value
you
as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter I hope you will not
wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my
18-year-old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel.
Please don't be upset - I shall be back home before midnight ."
------------------------
When the man came home late that night he found the following letter on
the
dining room table:
"To My Dear Husband,
I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 64
years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you
are
also 64 years old. As you know, I am a math teacher at our local
college.
I would like to inform you that while you're at theComfort Inn, I will
be
at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also the
assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile, and like your secretary, he
is
18 years old.
As a successful businessman with an excellent knowledge of math, you
will
understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small
difference; 18 goes into 64 a lot more times than 64 goes into 18.
Therefore I will not be home until sometime tomorrow."
e this!!!!
This is one of the best comeback lines of all time. It is a portion
of National Public Radio (NPR) interview between a female broadcaster
and US Marine Corps General Reinwald who was about to sponsor a Boy
Scout Troop visiting his military installation.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: So, General Reinwald, what things are you going
to teach these young boys when they visit your base?
GENERAL REINWALD: We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing,
archery, and shooting.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?
GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on
the rifle range.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous
activity to be teaching children?
GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper
rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: But you're equipping them to become violent
killers.
GENERAL REINWALD: Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute,
but you're not one, are you?
The radio went silent and the interview ended.
You gotta love the Marines!
One day three doctors were sitting in the break room talking about their great surgical skills.
The first doctor said, a couple years ago they brought in a lady that had nine of her fingers cut off. It took me seven hours to connect all the tendons and vessels. Today she plays the piano in the New York symphony.
The second doctor said, well I remember one day when they brought this guy in that had been in a motorcycle accident. He had lost both legs and one arm. It took me fifteen hours to put him back together and today he runs in triathlons today.
The third doctor said, well that is not anything. I remember one day a women was out riding her horse. She decided to cross a railroad track and was struck by a fast freight train. All that was left of them was the horses’ ass and a small patch of blond hair. The other doctors asked what in the world was he able to do with so little to work with.
Well he said, today she is running for president.
** LIFE IN THE 1500'S ***
The next time you are washing your hands and complain because the water temparature is not how you like it, think about how things used to be.Here are the facts about the 1500's :
Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May, and still smelled pretty good by June. However, they were starting to smell, so brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odor. Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting married.
Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the children. Last of all the babies. By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it. Hence the saying, Don't throw the baby out with the Bath water..
Houses had thatched roofs-thick straw-piled high, with no wood underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the cats and other small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof. Hence the saying . It's raining cats and dogs.
There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house.. This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could mess up your nice clean bed. Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection. That's how canopy beds came into existence.
The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt. Hence the saying, Dirt poor. The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore on, they added more thresh until, when you opened the door, it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entranceway. Hence the saying a thresh hold.
(Getting quite an education, aren't you?)
In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always hung over the fire. Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They ate mostly vegetables and did not get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next day. Sometimes stew had food in it that had been there for quite a while. Hence the rhyme, Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old..
Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special. When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off. It was a sign of wealth that a man could, bring home the bacon. They would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit around and chew the fat..
Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning death. This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.
Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or the upper crust.
Lead cups were used to drink ale or whisky. The combination would sometimes knock the imbibers out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial. They were laid out on the kitchen table for a cou ple of days and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up. Hence the custom of holding a wake.
England is old and small and the local folks started running out of places to bury people. So they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a bone-house, and reuse the grave. When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had been burying people alive. So they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (the graveyard shift.) to listen for t he bell; thus, someone could be, saved by the bell or was considered a ...dead ringer..
And that's the truth. Now, whoever said History was boring ! ! !
The next time you are washing your hands and complain because the water temparature is not how you like it, think about how things used to be.Here are the facts about the 1500's :
Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May, and still smelled pretty good by June. However, they were starting to smell, so brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odor. Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting married.
Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the children. Last of all the babies. By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it. Hence the saying, Don't throw the baby out with the Bath water..
Houses had thatched roofs-thick straw-piled high, with no wood underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the cats and other small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof. Hence the saying . It's raining cats and dogs.
There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house.. This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could mess up your nice clean bed. Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection. That's how canopy beds came into existence.
The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt. Hence the saying, Dirt poor. The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore on, they added more thresh until, when you opened the door, it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entranceway. Hence the saying a thresh hold.
(Getting quite an education, aren't you?)
In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always hung over the fire. Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They ate mostly vegetables and did not get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next day. Sometimes stew had food in it that had been there for quite a while. Hence the rhyme, Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old..
Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special. When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off. It was a sign of wealth that a man could, bring home the bacon. They would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit around and chew the fat..
Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning death. This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.
Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or the upper crust.
Lead cups were used to drink ale or whisky. The combination would sometimes knock the imbibers out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial. They were laid out on the kitchen table for a cou ple of days and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up. Hence the custom of holding a wake.
England is old and small and the local folks started running out of places to bury people. So they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a bone-house, and reuse the grave. When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had been burying people alive. So they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (the graveyard shift.) to listen for t he bell; thus, someone could be, saved by the bell or was considered a ...dead ringer..
And that's the truth. Now, whoever said History was boring ! ! !
Subject: Lizard
If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through
the pet syndrome, including toilet flush burials for dead goldfish, the
story below will have you laughing out loud!
>
> Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet.
Here's what happened:
>
> Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me
there was "something wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner
in his room.
>
> "He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm
serious, Dad. Can you help?"
>
> I put my best lizard-healer expre ssion on my face and
followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed
lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.
>
> "Honey," I called, "come look at the lizard!"
>
> "Oh, my gosh!" my wife exclaimed. "She's having babies."
>
> "What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and
Ernie, Mom!" I was equally outraged.
>
> "Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want
them to reproduce," I said accusingly to my wife.
>
> "Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their
cage?" she inquired (I think she actually said this
> sarcastically!).
>
> "No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded
her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth).
>
>
> "Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.
>
> "Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you
know," she informed me (Again with the sarcasm!).
>
> By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what
was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it. "Kids, this
is going to be a wondrous experience," I announced. "We're about to
witness the miracle of birth."
>
> "Oh, gross!" they shrieked.
>
> "Well, isn't THAT just great? What are we going to do
with a litter of tiny little lizard babies?" my wife wanted to know.
>
> We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what
looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second
later.
>
> "We don 't appear to be making much progress," I noted.
"It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified.
>
> "Do something, Dad!" my son urged.
>
> "Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the
foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I
tried several more times with the same results.
>
> "Should I call 911?" my eldest daughter wanted to know.
"Maybe they could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here
with the females in my house?)
>
> "Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly. We drove to
the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap. "Breathe, Ernie,
breathe," he urged.
>
> "I don't think lizards do Lamaze," his mother noted to
him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to
me is one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for God's sake.).
>
> The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered
at the little animal through a magnifying glass.
>
> "What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested
scientifically.
>
> "Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs.
Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?"
>
> I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.
>
> "Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.
>
> "Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This lizard is not
in labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen . . . Ernie is a
boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into
maturity, like most male species, they um . . . um . . . masturbate.
Just the way he did, lying on his back." He blushed, glancing at my
wife.
>
> We were silent, absorbing this.
>
> "So, Ernie 's just . . . just . . . excited," my wife
offered.
>
> "Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood.
>
> More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to
giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly.
>
> "What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing
that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my
flawless manliness.
>
> Tears were now running down her face. "It's just . .
that . . I'm picturing you pulling on its . . . its . . . teeny little .
. ." She gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.
>
> "That's enough," I warned. We thanked the vet and
hurriedly bundled the lizard and our son back into the car. He was glad
everything was going to be okay.
>
> "I know Ernie's really thankful for what you did, Dad,"
he told me.
>
> "Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing with
laughter.
>
> Two lizards: $140.
>
> One cage: $50.
>
> Trip to the vet: $30.
>
> Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie:
Priceless!
A man was walking down the street when he was
accosted by a particularly
dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him
for a couple of
dollars for dinner.
The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars
and asked, "If I give
you this money, will you buy some beer with it
instead of dinner?"
"No, I had to stop drinking years ago for my health,"
the homeless man
replied.
"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying
food?" the man asked.
"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man
said. "I need to
spend all my time trying to stay alive."
"Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course
instead of food?"
the man asked.
"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't
played golf in 20
years!"
"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light
district instead
of food?" the man asked.
"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?"
exclaimed the homeless
man.
"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the
money. Instead, I'm
going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked
by my wife."
The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be
furious with you for
doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell
pretty disgusting."
The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her
to see what a man
looks like after he has given up beer, fishing, golf,
and sex."
accosted by a particularly
dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him
for a couple of
dollars for dinner.
The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars
and asked, "If I give
you this money, will you buy some beer with it
instead of dinner?"
"No, I had to stop drinking years ago for my health,"
the homeless man
replied.
"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying
food?" the man asked.
"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man
said. "I need to
spend all my time trying to stay alive."
"Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course
instead of food?"
the man asked.
"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't
played golf in 20
years!"
"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light
district instead
of food?" the man asked.
"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?"
exclaimed the homeless
man.
"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the
money. Instead, I'm
going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked
by my wife."
The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be
furious with you for
doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell
pretty disgusting."
The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her
to see what a man
looks like after he has given up beer, fishing, golf,
and sex."
DUI TEST
A Louisiana State Trooper pulled a car over on US 165 about 2 miles south of
the Louisiana/Arkansas State line.
When the Trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver said he was
a magician and juggler and was on his way to Monroe to do a show at the Shrine
Circus. He didn't want to be late.
The Trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and asked if the
driver would do a little juggling for him then h e wouldn't give him a ticket.
He told the Trooper he had sent his equipment ahead and didn't have anything
to juggle.
The Trooper said he had some flares in the trunk and asked if he could juggle
them. The juggler said he could, so the Trooper got 3 flares, lit them and
handed them to him.
While the man was juggling, a car pulled in behind the patrol car. A drunken
good old boy from Arkansas got out, watched the performance, then went over to
the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in.
The Trooper observed him and went over to the patrol car, opened the door
asking the drunk what he thought he was doing.
The drunk replied, "You might as well take my ass to jail, 'cause there's no
way in hell I can pass that test."
Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite
humorous..... A physician claimed that the following are actual comments
made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their
colonoscopies:
1. "Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!
2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?"
3. "Can you hear me NOW?"
4. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"
5. "You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married."
6. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"
7. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out..."
8. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"
9. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!
10. "Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."
11. "You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"
12. "God, now I know why I am not gay."
And the best one of all..
13. "Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up
there?"
humorous..... A physician claimed that the following are actual comments
made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their
colonoscopies:
1. "Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!
2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?"
3. "Can you hear me NOW?"
4. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"
5. "You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married."
6. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"
7. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out..."
8. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"
9. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!
10. "Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."
11. "You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"
12. "God, now I know why I am not gay."
And the best one of all..
13. "Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up
there?"
Jose & Carlos are panhandling on the street. Jose
drives a Mercedes,
lives in a mortgage free house and has a lot of
money to spend.
Carlos only brings in 2 to 3 dollars a day.
Carlos asks Jose how he can bring home a suitcase
full of
$10 bills every day.
Jose says "Look at your sign. It says: I have no
work, a wife
and 6 kids to support".
Carlos looks at Jose's sign. It reads "I only need
another
$10.00 to move back to Mexico.
drives a Mercedes,
lives in a mortgage free house and has a lot of
money to spend.
Carlos only brings in 2 to 3 dollars a day.
Carlos asks Jose how he can bring home a suitcase
full of
$10 bills every day.
Jose says "Look at your sign. It says: I have no
work, a wife
and 6 kids to support".
Carlos looks at Jose's sign. It reads "I only need
another
$10.00 to move back to Mexico.
An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of
years.
He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a
set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the
doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased
that you can hear again."
The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit
around and listen to their conversations. I've changed my will three
times!"
------------------------------------------------
Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a
bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: "Slim, I'm 83
years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about
my age. How do you feel?"
Slim says, "I feel just like a newborn baby."
"Really!? Like a newborn baby!?"
"Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants."
------------------------------------------------
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after
eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out
to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very
highly."
The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?"
The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name
of that flower you give to someone you love?
You know... The one that's red and has thorns."
"Do you mean a rose?"
"Yes, that's the one," replied the man. He then turned towards the
kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to
last night?"
------------------------------------------------
Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being
discharged.
However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly
gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his
feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital. After a
chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel
him to the elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was
meeting him. "I don't know," he said.
"She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown."
------------------------------------------------
years.
He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a
set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the
doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased
that you can hear again."
The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit
around and listen to their conversations. I've changed my will three
times!"
------------------------------------------------
Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a
bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: "Slim, I'm 83
years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about
my age. How do you feel?"
Slim says, "I feel just like a newborn baby."
"Really!? Like a newborn baby!?"
"Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants."
------------------------------------------------
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after
eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out
to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very
highly."
The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?"
The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name
of that flower you give to someone you love?
You know... The one that's red and has thorns."
"Do you mean a rose?"
"Yes, that's the one," replied the man. He then turned towards the
kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to
last night?"
------------------------------------------------
Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being
discharged.
However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly
gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his
feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital. After a
chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel
him to the elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was
meeting him. "I don't know," he said.
"She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown."
------------------------------------------------
A Couple in their nineties
are both having problems remembering things.
During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay,
but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his
chair.
"Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?" he asks .
"Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"
"Sure."
"Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" she
asks.
"No, I can remember it."
"Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write
it down, so's not to forget it?"
He says, "I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with
strawberries."
"I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that. Write
it down?" she asks.
Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down, I can remember
it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for
goodness sake!"
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man
returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.
She stares at the plate for a moment.
"Where's my toast ?"
- -----------------------------------------------
A senior citizen said to his eighty-year-old buddy:
"So I hear you're getting married?"
"Yep!"
"Do I know her?"
"Nope!"
"This woman, is she good looking?">
"Not really."
"Is she a good cook?"
"Naw, she can't cook too well."
"Does she have lots of money?"
"Nope! Poor as a church mouse."
"Well, then, is she good in bed?"
"I don't know."
"Why in the world do you want to marry her then?"
"Because she can still drive!"
------------------------------------------------
Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, "Windy, isn't it?"
Second one says, "No, it's Thursday!"
Third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer."
------------------------------------------------
A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It
cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect."
"Really," answered the neighbor. "What kind is it?"
"Twelve thirty."
------------------------------------------------
Morris, an 82 year-old-man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with
a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're
really doing great, aren't you?"
Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and
be cheerful.'"
The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said,
'You've got a heart murmur; be careful."
------------------------------------------------
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled
himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath,
he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"
"No," he replied, "Arthritis."
>>A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and
>>you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little TONY.
>>
>>
>>He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot."
>>
>>The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your
>>thinking."
>>
>>Then little TONY says, "I have a question for YOU.
>>
>>There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:
>>
>>One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream .
>>The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is
>>biting off the top of the ice cream.
>>Which one is married?"
>>
>>The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well, I suppose the one
>>that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."
>>
>>To which Little TONY replied, "The correct answer is 'the one with the
>>wedding ring on," but I like your thinking."
>>
>>
>> LITTLE TONY ON MATH (Part 2)
>>
>>
>>
>>
>> Little TONY returns from school and says he got an F in
>>arithmetic.
>>
>> "Why?" asks the father?
>>
>> "The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3,'" I said "6", replies TONY.
>>
>> "But that's right!" says his dad.
>>
>> "Yeah, but then she asked me "How much is 3x2?'"
>>
>> "What's the f...... difference?" asks the father.
>>
>> "That's what I said!"
>>
>>
>>
>> LITTLE TONY ON ENGLISH
>>
>>
>>
>> Little TONY goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are
>>going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example
>>of a multi-syllable word?"
>>
>> TONY says "Mas-tur-bate."
>>
>> Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, little TONY, that's a
>>mouthful."
>>
>> Little TONY says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob."
>>
>>
>>
>>
>> LITTLE TONY ON GRAMMAR
>>
>>
>>
>> Little TONY was sitting in class one day.
>> All of a sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom.
>> He yelled out, "Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!"
>>
>> The teacher replied, 'Now, TONY, that is NOT the proper word to
>>use in this situation.
>> The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.'
>> Please use the word 'ur-i-nate' in a sentence correctly, and I
>>will allow you to go."
>>
>> Little TONY, thinks for a bit, and then says, "You're an eight,
>>but if you had bigger boobs, you'd be a TEN!"
>>
>>
>>
>> LITTLE TONY ON GRAMMAR (Part 2)
>>
>>
>>
>> One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a
>>show of hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same
>>sentence twice.
>>
>> First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father
>>bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."
>>
>> "Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little
>>Michael.
>>
>> "My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out
>>beautifully."
>>
>> She said, "Excellent, Michael!" Then the teacher reluctantly
>>called on little TONY.
>>
>> "Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she
>>was pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just f...... beautiful!'"
>>
>>
>>
>> LITTLE TONY ON GETTING OLDER
>>
>>
>>
>>
>> Little TONY was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar
>>after another.
>> After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, "Son,
>>you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you
>>acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat."
>>
>> Little TONY replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."
>>
>> The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?"
>> Little TONY answered, "No, he minded his own f....... business.
Subject: Are you a Democrat, a Republican, or a
Southerner?
Are you a Democrat, a Republican, or a Southerner?
Here is a little test that will help you decide.
The answer can be found by posing the following question:
You're walking down a d eserte d street with your
wife and two small children.
Suddenly, an Islamic Terrorist with a huge knife
comes around the corner,
locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, praises
Allah, raises the knife,
and charges at you.
You are carrying a Kimber 1911 cal. 45 ACP, and you
are an expert shot.
You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your
family. What do you do?
...............................................................
THINK CAREFULLY AND THEN SCROLL DOWN:
Democrat's Answer:
Well, that's not enough information to answer the
question!
Does the man look poor or oppressed?
Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire
him to attack?
Could we run away?
What does my wife think?
What about the kids?
Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock
the knife out of his
hand?
What does the law say about this situation?
Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it?
< BR>Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what
kind of message does this
send to society and to my children?
Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me?
Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be
content just to wound me?
If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my
family get away while he
was stabbing me?
Should I call 9-1-1?
Why is this street so deserted?
We need to raise taxes, have paint and weed day and
make this happier,
healthier street that would discourage such behavior.
This is all so confusing! I need to debate this with
some friends for few
days and try to come to a consensus.
...........................................................................
........................................
Republican's Answer:
BANG!
...........................................................................
........................................
Southerner' s Answ er:
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
Click.....
(Sounds of reloading) BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
BANG! BANG! BANG!
BANG! Click
Daughter: "Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the
Winchester Silver Tips or
Hollow Points?"
Son: "Can I shoot the next one!"
Wife: "You ain't taking that to the Taxidermist
Southerner?
Are you a Democrat, a Republican, or a Southerner?
Here is a little test that will help you decide.
The answer can be found by posing the following question:
You're walking down a d eserte d street with your
wife and two small children.
Suddenly, an Islamic Terrorist with a huge knife
comes around the corner,
locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, praises
Allah, raises the knife,
and charges at you.
You are carrying a Kimber 1911 cal. 45 ACP, and you
are an expert shot.
You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your
family. What do you do?
...............................................................
THINK CAREFULLY AND THEN SCROLL DOWN:
Democrat's Answer:
Well, that's not enough information to answer the
question!
Does the man look poor or oppressed?
Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire
him to attack?
Could we run away?
What does my wife think?
What about the kids?
Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock
the knife out of his
hand?
What does the law say about this situation?
Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it?
< BR>Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what
kind of message does this
send to society and to my children?
Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me?
Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be
content just to wound me?
If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my
family get away while he
was stabbing me?
Should I call 9-1-1?
Why is this street so deserted?
We need to raise taxes, have paint and weed day and
make this happier,
healthier street that would discourage such behavior.
This is all so confusing! I need to debate this with
some friends for few
days and try to come to a consensus.
...........................................................................
........................................
Republican's Answer:
BANG!
...........................................................................
........................................
Southerner' s Answ er:
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
Click.....
(Sounds of reloading) BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
BANG! BANG! BANG!
BANG! Click
Daughter: "Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the
Winchester Silver Tips or
Hollow Points?"
Son: "Can I shoot the next one!"
Wife: "You ain't taking that to the Taxidermist
>>>>Harry is getting along in years and finds that he is unable to perform
>>>>>>sexually. He finally goes to his doctor, who tries a few things but
>>>>>>nothing
>>>>>>seems to work. So the doctor refers him to an American Indian medicine
>>>>>>man.
>>>>>>
>>>>>>The medicine man says, "I can cure this." That said, he throws a white
>>>>>>powder in a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke.
>>>>>>
>>>>>>Then he says, "This is powerful medicine. You can only use it once a
>>>>>>year.
>>>>>>All you have to do is say '123' and it shall rise for as long as you
>>>>>>wish!"
>>>>>>
>>>>>>The guy then asks, "What happens when it's over, and I don't want to
>>>>>>continue?" The medicine man replies:
>>>>>>"All you or your partner has to say is 1234, and it will go down. But
>>>>>>be
>>>>>>warned -- it will not work again for another year!"
>>>>>>
>>>>>>Harry rushes home, eager to try out his new powers and prowess. That
>>>>>>night
>>>>>>he is ready to surprise Joyce. He showers, shaves, and puts on his
>>>>>>most
>>>>>>exotic shaving lotion. He gets into bed, and lying next to her says,
>>>>>>"123."
>>>>>>
>>>>>>He suddenly becomes more aroused than anytime in his life ... just as
>>>>>>the
>>>>>>medicine man had promised. Joyce, who had been facing away, turns over
>>>>>>and
>>>>>>asks, "What did you say 123 for?"
>>>>>>
>>>>>>And that, my friends, is why you shouldn't end a sentence with a
>>>>>>preposition!
>>>>>>sexually. He finally goes to his doctor, who tries a few things but
>>>>>>nothing
>>>>>>seems to work. So the doctor refers him to an American Indian medicine
>>>>>>man.
>>>>>>
>>>>>>The medicine man says, "I can cure this." That said, he throws a white
>>>>>>powder in a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke.
>>>>>>
>>>>>>Then he says, "This is powerful medicine. You can only use it once a
>>>>>>year.
>>>>>>All you have to do is say '123' and it shall rise for as long as you
>>>>>>wish!"
>>>>>>
>>>>>>The guy then asks, "What happens when it's over, and I don't want to
>>>>>>continue?" The medicine man replies:
>>>>>>"All you or your partner has to say is 1234, and it will go down. But
>>>>>>be
>>>>>>warned -- it will not work again for another year!"
>>>>>>
>>>>>>Harry rushes home, eager to try out his new powers and prowess. That
>>>>>>night
>>>>>>he is ready to surprise Joyce. He showers, shaves, and puts on his
>>>>>>most
>>>>>>exotic shaving lotion. He gets into bed, and lying next to her says,
>>>>>>"123."
>>>>>>
>>>>>>He suddenly becomes more aroused than anytime in his life ... just as
>>>>>>the
>>>>>>medicine man had promised. Joyce, who had been facing away, turns over
>>>>>>and
>>>>>>asks, "What did you say 123 for?"
>>>>>>
>>>>>>And that, my friends, is why you shouldn't end a sentence with a
>>>>>>preposition!
> Subject: FW: Breakfast at the White House
>
>
> Breakfast at the Whitehouse: Dick Cheney and George W. Bush are
> having breakfast at the White House. The attractive waitress asks
> Cheney what he would like, and he replies, "I'd like a bowl of oatmeal
> and some fruit."
>
> "And what can I get for you, Mr. President?"
>
> George W. looks up from his menu and replies with his trademark wink
> And
> slight grin, "How about a quickie this morning?"
>
> "Why, Mr. President!" the waitress exclaims, "how rude! You're
> starting to act like President Clinton, and the waitress storms away.
> Cheney leans over to Bush and whispers........... "It's pronounced
> 'quiche.'"
>
>
>
>
>
> -----Original Message-----
> Subject: Fwd: Bubba
>
>
>
> Bubba went to a psychiatrist.
>
> "I've got problems. Every time I go to bed, I think
there's somebody
> under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy."
>
> "Put yourself in my hands for one year," said the
shrink. "Come talk
> to me three times a week, and we should be able to get rid of those
> fears."
>
> "How much do you charge?"
>
> "Eighty dollars per visit," replied the psychiatrist.
>
> "I'll sleep on it," said Bubba.
>
> Six months later the psychiatrist met Bubba on the
street. "Why
> didn't you ever come to see me about those fears you were having?"
> asked the psychiatrist.
>
>
> "Well, eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a
year is an
> awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to
> have saved all that money I went and bought me a new pickup!"
>
> "Is that so! And how, may I ask, did a bartender cure
you?"
>
> "He told me to cut the legs off the bed! Ain't nobody
under there
> now."
>
> Who says rednecks are stupid?
>
>
>
> Breakfast at the Whitehouse: Dick Cheney and George W. Bush are
> having breakfast at the White House. The attractive waitress asks
> Cheney what he would like, and he replies, "I'd like a bowl of oatmeal
> and some fruit."
>
> "And what can I get for you, Mr. President?"
>
> George W. looks up from his menu and replies with his trademark wink
> And
> slight grin, "How about a quickie this morning?"
>
> "Why, Mr. President!" the waitress exclaims, "how rude! You're
> starting to act like President Clinton, and the waitress storms away.
> Cheney leans over to Bush and whispers........... "It's pronounced
> 'quiche.'"
>
>
>
>
>
> -----Original Message-----
> Subject: Fwd: Bubba
>
>
>
> Bubba went to a psychiatrist.
>
> "I've got problems. Every time I go to bed, I think
there's somebody
> under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy."
>
> "Put yourself in my hands for one year," said the
shrink. "Come talk
> to me three times a week, and we should be able to get rid of those
> fears."
>
> "How much do you charge?"
>
> "Eighty dollars per visit," replied the psychiatrist.
>
> "I'll sleep on it," said Bubba.
>
> Six months later the psychiatrist met Bubba on the
street. "Why
> didn't you ever come to see me about those fears you were having?"
> asked the psychiatrist.
>
>
> "Well, eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a
year is an
> awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to
> have saved all that money I went and bought me a new pickup!"
>
> "Is that so! And how, may I ask, did a bartender cure
you?"
>
> "He told me to cut the legs off the bed! Ain't nobody
under there
> now."
>
> Who says rednecks are stupid?
>
This has got to be one of the most clever
>>> E-mails I've received in awhile.
>>> Someone out there either has too much
>>> spare time or is deadly at Scrabble.
>>> (Wait till you see the last one)!
>>>
>>>
>>> DORMITORY:
>>> When you rearrange the letters:
>>> DIRTY ROOM
>>>
>>>
>>> PRESBYTERIAN:
>>> When you rearrange the letters:
>>> BEST IN PRAYER
>>>
>>>
>>> ASTRONOMER:
>>> When you rearrange the letters:
>>> MOON STARER
>>>
>>>
>>> DESPERATION: When you rearrange the letters:
>>> A ROPE ENDS IT!
>>>
>>>
>>> THE EYES: !
>>> When you rearrange the letters:
>>> THEY SEE
>>>
>>>
>>> GEORGE BUSH:
>>> When you rearrange the letters:
>>> HE BUGS GORE
>>>
>>>
>>> THE MORSE CODE :
>>> When you rearrange the letters:
>>> HERE COME DOTS
>>>
>>>
>>> SLOT MACHINES:
>>> When you rearrange the letters:
>>> CASH LOST IN ME
>>>
>>>
>>> ANIMOSITY:
>>> When you rearrange the letters:
>>> IS NO AMITY
>>>
>>>
>>> ELECTION RESULTS:
>>> When you rearrange the letters:
>>> LIES - LET'S RECOUNT
>>>
>>>
>>> SNOOZE ALARMS:
>>> When you rearrange the letters:
>>> ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S
>>>
>>>
>>> A DECIMAL POINT:
>>> When you rearrange the letters:
>>> IM A DOT IN PLACE
>>>
>>>
>>> THE EARTHQUAKES:
>>> When you rearrange the letters:
>>> THAT QUEER SHAKE
>>>
>>>
>>> ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
>>> When you rearrange the letters:
>>> TWELVE PLUS ONE
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>> AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:
>>>
>>> MOTHER-IN-LAW:
>>> When you rearrange the letters:
>>> WOMAN HITLER
>>> E-mails I've received in awhile.
>>> Someone out there either has too much
>>> spare time or is deadly at Scrabble.
>>> (Wait till you see the last one)!
>>>
>>>
>>> DORMITORY:
>>> When you rearrange the letters:
>>> DIRTY ROOM
>>>
>>>
>>> PRESBYTERIAN:
>>> When you rearrange the letters:
>>> BEST IN PRAYER
>>>
>>>
>>> ASTRONOMER:
>>> When you rearrange the letters:
>>> MOON STARER
>>>
>>>
>>> DESPERATION: When you rearrange the letters:
>>> A ROPE ENDS IT!
>>>
>>>
>>> THE EYES: !
>>> When you rearrange the letters:
>>> THEY SEE
>>>
>>>
>>> GEORGE BUSH:
>>> When you rearrange the letters:
>>> HE BUGS GORE
>>>
>>>
>>> THE MORSE CODE :
>>> When you rearrange the letters:
>>> HERE COME DOTS
>>>
>>>
>>> SLOT MACHINES:
>>> When you rearrange the letters:
>>> CASH LOST IN ME
>>>
>>>
>>> ANIMOSITY:
>>> When you rearrange the letters:
>>> IS NO AMITY
>>>
>>>
>>> ELECTION RESULTS:
>>> When you rearrange the letters:
>>> LIES - LET'S RECOUNT
>>>
>>>
>>> SNOOZE ALARMS:
>>> When you rearrange the letters:
>>> ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S
>>>
>>>
>>> A DECIMAL POINT:
>>> When you rearrange the letters:
>>> IM A DOT IN PLACE
>>>
>>>
>>> THE EARTHQUAKES:
>>> When you rearrange the letters:
>>> THAT QUEER SHAKE
>>>
>>>
>>> ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
>>> When you rearrange the letters:
>>> TWELVE PLUS ONE
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>> AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:
>>>
>>> MOTHER-IN-LAW:
>>> When you rearrange the letters:
>>> WOMAN HITLER
Everything here is very true-to-life!
"Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate.
The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground."
USAF Ammo Troop
"If the enemy is in range, so are you."
Infantry Journal
"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly
over the area you just bombed. They will be highly pissed at you."
U.S. Air Force Manual
"Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword
obviously never encountered automatic weapons."
General George MacArthur
"Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo."
Infantry Journal
"You, you, and you ... Panic. The rest of you, come with me
U.S. Marine Corps Gunnery Sgt.
"Tracers work both ways."
U.S. Army Ordnance
"Five second fuses only last three seconds."
Infantry Journal
WIT AND WISDOM J MILITARY SOURCES
"A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher
fire when you least expect it. That would make you
quite unpopular in what's left of your unit."
Army's magazine of preventive maintenance.
"Aim towards the Enemy."
Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher
"After the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend."
U.S. Marine Corps
"A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher
fire when you least expect it. That would make you
quite unpopular in what's left of your unit."
Army's magazine of preventive maintenance.
"Aim towards the Enemy."
Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher
"After the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend."
U.S. Marine Corps
"Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate.
The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground."
USAF Ammo Troop
"If the enemy is in range, so are you."
Infantry Journal
"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly
over the area you just bombed. They will be highly pissed at you."
U.S. Air Force Manual
"Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword
obviously never encountered automatic weapons."
General George MacArthur
"Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo."
Infantry Journal
"You, you, and you ... Panic. The rest of you, come with me
U.S. Marine Corps Gunnery Sgt.
"Tracers work both ways."
U.S. Army Ordnance
"Five second fuses only last three seconds."
Infantry Journal